Zodiac Signs Ranked: The Stock Market Crash

Just when you thought our orange leader couldn't possibly do worse, the tariffs he put out have finally caught up and sent the stock market crashing. Here's how each zodiac sign is reacting to the financial collapse of 2025, ranked from least to most affected.

12. Sagittarius

Probably unaware this is even happening right now. Sagittarius was halfway through a soul-searching hibernation or adventure when the stock market crashed. They have never logged into their bank app. They probably want to move to a different country after hearing about it. "This is why I don't believe in savings."

11. Aquarius

For some reason, they've been waiting for this and expected it to happen. They've invested in ideas, not stocks so they are safe. They're probably reposting related news like crazy and gathering up ways to dismantle the oppressive systems. "This is just the beginning of the collapse of late-stage capitalism."

10. Libra

If they invested in stocks, it was purely based on the company's "vibe". Not much thought put into financial literacy. Whether or not they did, they are not okay. They are dreading the future sacrifices they will have to make with their lifestyle because of the crash and it's just too chaotic. "Can we just print more money or something?"

9. Pisces

Didn't know stocks were a thing until they downloaded TikTok. They definitely invested more in their spirituality and creative side. They are probably listening to Lana Del Rey while doom-scrolling astrology memes that say the reasoning behind the crash is because of Pluto in Aquarius. They have a Pinterest board called 'Abundance' that they go through to feel a hit of dopamine. "That's crazy...I pulled the Tower card 3 times this week."

8. Gemini

Gemini decided to treat investing the same way they treat relationships: short-term, high-risk, etc. The crash is just a part of the new storyline. They are probably using burner accounts to troll people by scaring them. They are definitely suffering while posting cryptic stories. "Why is this kinda fun?"

7. Virgo

They already predicted this months ago and if they didn’t, they are in denial. They probably already converted their stocks and savings. They’re just mad no one listened to their warning. “I told you so.”

6. Aries

Probably not doing okay. They weren’t paying attention, they just put all their savings in without reading the terms because it ‘felt right.’ Now, they’re rage punching a wall somewhere while being in denial. “What if we put in more money, right now, while it’s down?”

5. Capricorn

They’ve been budgeting since 12 but somehow this has them spiraling. They probably have all these backup plans, but they are realizing most of it is suddenly useless. “I didn’t go through everything I went through for the economy to plummet like this.”

4. Cancer

Did they have stocks? No. Are they still mourning the losses? Yes. They are pretending to be okay while sadly thinking about their crush's savings. They will probably spend a long time journaling about it. “Economic abandonment issues.”

3. Leo

They are not devastated by the crash they’re offended. How dare the economy collapse when they exist? They’re still gonna act rich though. They’ll spend their last $38 dollars on an uber and the rest on a drink. “I’m not broke.”

2. Taurus

Taurus is shaking. You mean to tell them their stocks are worthless and iced coffee now costs $12? They’ll still act unbothered posting photo dumps, taking longer naps, and buying expensive candles for “self care.” But inside? Panic. They live for luxury. No economy means no skin care hauls. “I’ll emotionally process this once I’ve eaten, slept, and online shopped.”

1. Scorpio

This probably feels personal to them. Not just financially but spiritually. If they were into stocks, they put their soul into crypto and have probably researched so much about stock tips. They’re spiraling. Crying in the bathtub with candles lit like it’s a funeral. This is another one of their “rebirths”. “I knew this wouldn’t last forever.”

RIP to everyone’s stocks and shoutout to the gap between the rich and poor closing. Now we can all be broke together.