TikTok Ban Sends Americans into Existential Crisis

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On January 19, 2025, the lives of those in the United States changed forever. The beloved app, TikTok, was banned, and true loss swept the nation. Never mind the wildfires in Los Angeles or the numerous wars and genocides plaguing the world. This is the action that wrung out compassion from all Americans.

Yes, there was a time before TikTok existed, and that time was fairly recent (it was released in 2016), but Americans cannot fathom a life without it. This ban reminds us that nothing lasts forever. Termination, or in our case death, is one of our only guarantees, and the erosion of TikTok symbolizes that. Feelings of abandonment united many individuals as they bonded over their emotional attachment to a mobile app. The reality of its banishment was like losing the person they loved most.

How fitting that the modern dissent of free media took place during a cold front in January, when everybody's will to live is low. One avid TikTok user said, “Surely, the government cannot expect us to live without TikTok. It is a direct violation of our constitutional rights! What happened to the right of free speech? It's taking people's livelihoods away; what are they supposed to do now? Get a real job?! Moreover, what am I supposed to do with all this free time? The things I should be doing? That, I cannot bear."

Those who argued against the use of TikTok deemed the app meaningless and a bane to society. They claim it takes our personal information and our ability to function socially. According to scientists, screen time was projected to go down 100% after the ban was enacted. But not all Tiktok was superficial or harmful, recipe ideas, outfit inspiration, and true talent were discovered on this app. More importantly, TikTok was great for passing the time when you were sitting on the toilet. And to those who say China is taking our data, I dare say to you one word and one word only: Facebook.

But do not worry fellow intellectuals, for all is just again! The ban was only temporary; TikTok was back online 12 hours later. Blessed be! Looks like we can continue to escape our fearful thoughts by mindlessly scrolling. God forbid we face the realities of our existence...