NFL Free Agency Is a Beautiful Thing

Jack Ohmer | Posted on March 22, 2019

The new Dream Team

Even during the offseason, the NFL continues to find some way to keep us excited. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning every day that I wake up and I thank God for that blessing. This past week was a rollercoaster ride for the league with teams crumbling while other powerhouses are seeming to form.

For the sake of being a Chicago sports fan, we’re going to start with everything Bears.

Arguably our biggest pickup so far before the draft is Cordarrelle Patterson from the New England Patriots. Although he has bounced around teams a little bit, he was a key factor in the Patriot’s success this past season. Patterson was able to fill in at the running back position when Sony Michel suffered a knee injury while also returning punts and continuing to play as a wide receiver.

We also decided to drop Adrian Amos in order to get HaHa Clinton-Dix (ya, that’s his real name) and Buster Skrine. Along with this, we picked up Mike Davis (RB) from the Seahawks and.. wait for it.. a kicker! Now bear with me here, his name is Chris Blewitt. I’m not kidding, his last name is Blewitt. But hey, at this point I’ll take anyone besides Cody Parkey. How much worse could it possibly get?

We will be completely fine this year, and you know why? One word. Leukemia. The Bears signed Chuck Pagano as their defensive coordinator after losing Vic Fangio to the Broncos, and the dude had Leukemia back in 2012. And if there is a God out there somewhere, why would he want a guy who has already beat Leukemia? He’s been through enough and I think that I speak for everyone when I say that we all need a break in Chicago.

Surprisingly enough, Antonio Brown has left the Steelers for The Oakland Raiders. I’m not sure why he would go to a team like this with a quarterback like Derek Carr especially after throwing the tantrum that he did in Pittsburgh, but it happened and he’s there for at least 3 years with $30.125 million guaranteed. Sadly, his golden mustache and hair is gone and he is moving on to a new stage in his life.

Le Veon Bell also decided to leave the team after ceasing to exist this past season. Receiving a 4 year, $52.5 million dollar deal to go to a s*** team doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad decision to me. At least this means that Sam Darnold won’t have to throw the ball as much this year being that he didn’t do too hot his rookie season.

The biggest news so far in NFL Free Agency has to be the building of the Cleveland Browns by far. In the most Odell fashion, Beckham leaves New York to go to the Browns to join Baker Mayfield and Jarvis Landry, alongside Nick Chubb and quite possibly Kareem Hunt and/or Tyreek Hill if he gets caught up in this recent domestic violence scandal. I feel so bad for Saquon Barkley and the Giants. Even Eli too. If the Giants decide to draft Dwayne Haskins from Ohio State they will ruin multiple lives. Eli Manning’s confidence as a quarterback and quite possibly as a human being will be destroyed, Saquon’s career so far will remain f*****, and football fans everywhere will be disappointed in seeing such great talent go to waste. But I digress. Either way, the Browns offense is now solidified and it is looking SCARY. I’m going to make a bold early prediction and say that not only will they have a winning record this season, but they will also make it to the playoffs. I’m confident in my word and I’m willing to put big money on this gamble so someone please challenge me.

To finish off, I have to mention this quickly, although I hate to, Nick Foles has signed with the Jaguars replacing Blake Bortles. The legend of Big Dick Nick continues and we will see what he really has to offer soon enough. I’m honestly not a fan of his and I think that he’s a fraud and a phony but he does deserve a chance just like any other man.

If this is only the beginning of the 2019 season, I can’t wait to see what is in store for us in these next months. I’m getting aroused just thinking about the junk food and beer that I will consume on the couch while doing nothing but watching games all day. That’s my heaven on earth.