I Found My Mortal Enemy This Weekend And His Name Is D.K. Metcalf

Jack Ohmer | Posted on March 06, 2019

If you’re still experiencing withdrawals from there not being any football on for some time, you’re not alone, and it gets better – but I’m a negative vibes only type of guy so I want to take this time to focus on my newfound nemesis and freak show that is Ole Miss wide receiver, D.K. Metcalf. Kyler Murray will not be mentioned further in this blog. He has a big head and he will see things just find on the field even though he has deceptively low eyes. (or a big forehead. I still can’t decide.)

I don’t know where to start with this kid. To begin with, I will need him to have a proper physical as well as neuropsychological testing done in order to obtain medical documentation proving that he is, in fact, a human being. As a 21 year-old, he stands at 6’3”, 228lbs. with 1.9% body fat. I’m sorry… WHAT? Are you kidding me? He was already injured twice in college and is getting the spotlight just because he’s basically the 2019 Terminator. You know what though? This could be a positive thing. We could be evolving even further as a species and this gives me hope that America won’t be fat and lazy forever. Let’s face it, guys. You don’t have a medical condition; you’re just tubby and unwilling to go to the gym in moderation like normal people. I need to see what this boy eats. This seems very unhealthy and unsustainable. Especially as a college student, I wonder what Metcalf did for his entire career at Ole Miss. He probably decided to skip the dorms and the apartment life to move in the weight room. Probably didn’t have much of a social life because he was always in the gym. Probably wouldn’t have passed classes if he didn’t have someone else doing his work for him. Ya, if you think a 21 year-old SEC football player with these numbers is going to class and doing his homework, you’re an idiot and I feel sorry for you. Probably can’t get laid a lot too if you’re always playing football. Or maybe he’s saving himself for marriage? So many questions. I’m just trying to look out for this guy’s health more than anything. Mental health isn’t a joke, and you can’t physically be in good shape if your mind is in the gutter. That’s just science. Google it. Let me give you all some frame of reference here: I’m a 5’11”, 215lb out of shape Senior who will unfortunately have to take an extra semester at UIC. I can’t even do a god-damn victory lap correctly.

Let’s list off some of his other weaknesses:

He’s literally too big of a human being for age 21. Ya, he’s fast and visibly intimidating, but he can’t be pretty with his feet. Sure, anyone can run in a straight line, but when you’re running routes, you need to be somewhat fancy with it. This showed in his 3 Cone Drill. Jalen Ramsey will call him out by the end of the week if he hasn’t already.

His NFL comparison is Josh Gordon. Yes, Josh Gordon, who left Cleveland for New England this year and then couldn’t play after he couldn’t stay off of the weed and other drugs (definitely cocaine). Save the fu**ing date in your calendar Josh. You know when you’re getting tested. So… the question now becomes whether or not Metcalf can manage his drug intake. For the record, I’m completely for all drugs. I don’t do drugs, but they are extremely safe and fun and cannot be abused.

He cries. Real men don’t cry. They are strictly stoic at all times. If he is already crying at the combine before he goes to the league, who’s to say he won’t have a complete mental breakdown when he ultimately gets his heart broken by some heartless gold digger?

I get it, it’s still way too early to be talking seriously about how this guy is going to play, but it’s not too early to talk about how much I already hate him because I’m not as big and talented as he is.