I Don't Think I'm Okay

Hello! I'm going to get right into it today but just a little warning that this is more of a deep personal post and is going to deal with mental health struggles, but I won't go into any graphic details of anything. I'm going to try and be as vague as possible because I get scared to put literally anything about myself on the Internet. "Man, I've always wondered about the inner machinations of Grace's mind," said no one ever. But here we go...

I've struggled with anxiety and depression for what feels like forever. It really popped up in seventh or eighth grade, when I realized I was super worried and sad about everything all the time. Back then, I didn't even know what diagnostic terms were. I just thought maybe I was a little different, but everyone surely goes through this. And I was right in some regard. Everyone feels nervous or sad sometimes. Just not all the time.

That little fun background was just to give you some context for what's happening now. It's fall. Don't get me wrong, I love fall weather. I love cozy blankets and leaves and pumpkin spiced lattes. But I hate fall. The sole reason is a problem that has been happening for a couple falls now, that I've officially dubbed this time of the year "trauma fall." Yes, that name is indicative of something. No, I won't go into it. Basically, a fateful event happened two years ago that looking back on it... yeah, it was traumatic. I am very lucky and grateful that I haven't really experienced too many bad things in life. I haven't lost too many loved ones. I've never been in a serious accident or broken a bone. I know what these experiences are like because of what I've heard from others.

I say, "I don't have trauma. I just get upset about this thing that happened to me." And I never really think about it too much... except in the fall. It's always fall. So that added with school stress added with mental health struggles just makes this the worst time of the year for me. It doesn't help that it's dreary and cold and my nose is runny all the time now. It just feels like I relapse into this weird breakdown. Last year, I tried being super religious to cope. That didn't work. This year, I... I like have a mental breakdown every two hours. It's not very effective. I could always go back to therapy, but such a thing is easier said than done. I feel like when I'm stuck, I just think I'm never going to get out and will feel miserable forever, and by that point, it becomes hard to think of possible solutions.

The point of this trauma dumpy peek into my mind was... I don't know. To vent? I love unnecessary oversharing. And humor is my coping mechanism. Anyway, I'm sorry for darkening your day. I hope maybe you can find a bit of relatability. It's so cheesy, but like, you're not alone. I feel that struggles like this are a forever thing, but that doesn't mean they need to be ultra bad forever. There's a reason why our culture is big on support systems and self-care right now. There's strategies to cope. Personally, I'm a "gratefulness" kind of guy. Sure, I'm sad, but I slept in a warm cozy bed last night. And I got out of bed this morning. It's the small wins. So yeah, thank you for reading. I've been Grace, and I'll see you next week. :)