I am but a Drop in an Ocean

I am changing. I am growing. This is good.

Photo from Pinterest

Spirals in water - Representing fluidity

I was recently in a conversation with a friend I've met through college. We were talking about the different ways we show love, comparing aspects of our personalities and nostalgically examining our past, even if it was only a couple of years ago.

As we were laughing, gabbing about our fun traits, it struck me that the description I was giving myself felt like a lie. I was claiming behaviors were common when they weren't, and the values I shared felt ancient but still so new. It hit me that I was describing who I was at age 17. Personal growth is ever creeping, so it makes sense that this slight change every day has gone unnoticed, but as I was reusing this description, it felt like a slap in the face. I was talking about someone who was no longer here.

As silly as it may sound, I felt my "frontal lobe developing." The experiences I've had post-high school were being erased because I didn't recognize them in the ways they've changed me. My friends have changed me. UIC has changed me. Love has changed me. Media has changed me. Time has changed me. It's been such a weird journey.

I don't know who I am right now. Self-awareness of this fact has put a veil of craved authenticity behind my actions. As I behave, react to new things, and make choices, I am aware of the fact that this is a new experience. I am hyper-analyzing myself from an adult perspective, trying to make the 'right choice' but finding myself constantly making mistakes. I am growing, and this is okay.

I am a teenage girl, and I always will be, but it's not who I am anymore. Instead, she comes out when I haven't had enough to eat that day; she comes out when I meet someone new; she is everlasting in small encounters, bursts of emotion, and feelings of nostalgia.

All of this is not to say I am done becoming who I am. I'm sure there will be so many moments in my life where I will have to rediscover who I am. I'll have to meet her with open arms, accepting her, her experiences and her flaws. I'm always bittersweet about change. I like to envision myself in my future, 5, 10 years from now knowing that my decisions won't have impacted my life all that much. I'm excited to see where this takes me.