Horrorscopes for February

February’s Horrorscopes, the anti-horoscope, for all your dastardly needs. Be alert, take this very seriously.

Aries– Don’t take up any new hobbies of projects, unless you want to fail. Seriously, you will crash and burn if you try anything new this month. That means relationships, new jobs, and even trying a new type of sushi. You will for sure get food poisoning for eating that sushi.

Taurus– You’re going to be so swamped this month. Maybe you should buy a planner. I like Moleskine planners the best., They come in a variety of colors. Do you like the color red? They have that. Purple? They have that too. The have big planners, small planner, and even planners specifically for gardeners.

Gemini– Identity theft is a very real thing.

Cancer– Listen to Justin Timberlake all month if you want a successful Valentine’s Day. Justin Timberlake NEVER fails.

Leo– You should really get on Tinder, because, like, there’s this guy I saw who was, like, so totally cute and you should SO go for it. For real. Really.

Virgo– Dear Virgo, you’re sweet, kind, and beautiful. You can do no wrong. Well, in my eyes. But in the eyes of others, you can. Because lets face it: you’re a heartbreaker. You rip out the hearts of those who fall for your charm and stomp upon them in a dance of passion. You go, Virgo!

Libra– THERE IS NO JUSTICE.

Scorpio– You should probably just watch Blue Is the Warmest Colour and cry all month. That movie is REALLY long, though.

Sagittarius– That’s a really hard word to spell, so, you should probably calm down and take it easy this month. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.

Capricorn– Your heart will break into a million pieces and honestly it’s your own fault. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Seriously, that whole “it’s not you it’s me” thing will rear it’s head in the coming days. Also, maybe you should try acting like a mature adult for once in your life. Just a suggestion.

Aquarius– Be careful with financial risks and gains this month. For example, do you really need that new top you saw at Urban Outfitters? No. Do you actually need a Snickers? Maybe. However, feel free to play slots!

Pisces– Always, ALWAYS, check under the bed.

(Please note that I am not an astrologer and this is all in good fun. You are responsible for any and all actions you take. Image curiosity of Dreamtime.)